First of all:
Today was a really fun day.
Chaperoning for Seth’s class field trip up to the amazing Hilldale Waldorf in Northridge was very special.
The campus is beyond inspiring and so are our fellow parents in his class. We got to visit with each other for a few hours and I will tell you, it only confirms how there are SUCH amazing people in the world and how truly HONORED I feel to have them in my circle of community.
After that, we came home and I sat down in a messy, tax-receipt-riddled house and found 70 e-mails in my inbox from people who are supportive of what I’m here to do and believing in my mission — and I got e-mails from people wanting to know about coaching and speaking….
So much to the point where I felt overwhelmed.
No, literally: Overwhelmed.
By the messy house
And the taxes
And the health issues I’m still working out
And the opportunities that are there that require something of me in order to be activated.
And I was torn about where to start…
So, I phoned a friend.
Because I realize that I can’t do it all alone and need to ask for help, guidance, resource, whatever…I just need help to move life forward.
No more Lone Ranger.
My body won’t let me pretend that I’m a superhero so, even when my mind says, “YES!! I CAN!!!”
My body goes, “Not so fast, Cowboy…”
And I pause and try to negotiate.
And it won’t let me.
Which means ‘we’
(the part of me that wants to be super human, and the part of me that knows I’m not)
have to be creative.
And willing to receive from the Universe in the abundant and surprising ways it has to give.
I used to pride myself on being self-sufficient…
but the health stuff with the Hashimoto’s hit me so hard that we needed help. I can’t tell you how much I hated that…to ask for help.
From people I would rather give to than receive from,
or even some I did not want to receive from because they gave so unheathily.
Humbled and humiliated can be an interesting line…
Some people don’t make receiving easy because they act like they own you.
Which can turn an already humbling situation
into a humiliating one.
He would give something — whether to me, a co-worker, another family member, or friend — and then, not mention it again. Including forgiveness. I learned that from him. When I give, it’s given. From a glad heart — a willing heart — and then, it’s done. You don’t owe me anything and I don’t own you.
I loved that about my dad.
I love that about me.
Not everyone is like that — and ultimately, that’s okay. It becomes our opportunity to stay open in our hearts when we want to shut down hard instead.
All of it is our opportunity…
Anyway, that was just kind of a tangent but the real point is this:
It’s been a great day.
And I’m grateful.
I’m just not entirely sure how to move forward all that I care about
so, I bow to the word that has been calling me for a couple of months, but really, for a lifetime:
Surrender is often portrayed as dropping everything and putting your hands up and being taken into custody by the enemy.
It feels like that sometimes.
I think of it more of a letting go of myself and allowing the full weight of who I am to be in the capable hands of my highest Divine self. The part where God and I are in alignment and there is no tug of war.
There is no resistance.
I’m not trying to hold myself up.
Like what I was just doing with my rolfer, Nikki, this past week.
She took my head in her hands while I was lying on the table and she said,
I was still trying to ‘help’
and to control.
I was still trying to be self-sufficient
even though my body was saying it couldn’t anymore
and that it needed to be in the care of someone else for some healing.
It took a long time for me to surrender myself.
And honestly, I still didn’t fully let go.
So, Nikki asked me, “What is your body saying?”
I answered, “It’s saying, ‘I don’t know if I can let go.'”
She was quiet and then, asked, “And is there any answer?”
I smiled because I heard an answer even before she asked.
Something inside of me was saying, “Un-Can.”
I couldn’t stop smiling. And I could feel that Nikki was too.
She said, “Wow. I will never forget this moment. I’ve never heard that before.”
I nodded, as I felt my head get heavier in her hands, “Me either. That was cool…”
It was a sacred moment.
That moment of “Un-Can.”
I’m not even sure I can fully put what it means into words, and yet, I feel like my inner self knows exactly what it means.
There’s a thought that passes through that ‘can’ is about effort and ‘un-can’ is about ‘un-effort.’ The absence of effort.
Which totally reminds me of the late 70’s seeing ads for 7-Up. It was the ‘un-cola’ — the absence of all that color and gunk that was in regular soda.
But bringing it back to a less commercialized idea…it’s about un-holding yourself up.
Letting my full weight rest
is what I call ‘trust.’
And that’s what surrender means to me.
And it’s a lot of what ‘Un-Can’ vibes like inside of me.
And that’s what is beckoning me to ‘come.’
To come and stop doing so that I can be un-done
as in unraveled.
And I mean in a good way.
I have a feeling I’m not the only one who hears that calling.
And I bet I’m not the only one who has a hard time answering that call.
I’m glad we have a lifetime of grace from the Divine, to learn how to let go of what we’re holding onto —
so that we can rest in the Love
that is holding onto us.
(If you have any interpretation of that for yourself, I’d love for you to leave me a comment below so we can swim in this thought together…)