• October 8, 2019

I would have loved to have you in my life

I would have loved to have you in my life

I would have loved to have you in my life 900 600 Stacey Robbins
I would have loved to have you in my life 1

I would have loved to have you in my life

But you didn’t love me for who I was

So I was sad and thought there was something to fix in me

I sought acceptance and approval from other people
In other places

I changed me to fit molds that I didn’t even agree with
And I stayed too long in places where I should have never entered

But then, one day all that stopped

And I used it

I used the rejection
And all of my rebound reactions
And poor choices
That resembled adult groveling
And pan-handling

All of that, that came from the pain

I stopped that

And I got quiet

Because the quiet of me was a lot better than noise and illusion of relationships that surrounded me

I used the grief
I used the shame
I used the regret
And I used the fear

I pressed in to the places in me that I needed to see all along
But couldn’t see
Until they cried out for me to heal them

I finally had my attention
When I couldn’t get yours

So while I could sit and mourn about wasted time

Or wasted tears

I don’t

Because along the way I gathered

Strength
And
Clarity


Purpose
And
Health


I gathered wisdom
And confidence
And unshakable grace

I’m not that same person who needed to know your love and acceptance

Because now I know that those things live in me
So I start every relationship with them
Because I bring what I am looking for


I only stay where I can kick off my soul shoes and feel at home with you
As I do in me.


It’s different now


I’m not needy
I’m ready


Because I gave to myself what I thought you were going to give to me

It was a perfect destruction

I needed those old ideas to die

So that I could live
And I could be free

Sometimes you don’t know how hard you’re holding on
Until someone lets you go

So, I’m not waiting
For anyone to give me permission
To breathe
Or to live
Or to be whole
Or to love


I’m doing that all for myself now
And whoever I meet who does that for themselves too
Is someone I welcome in
to add to my life


As I am welcomed to add in to theirs


Because no one else completes me
And I return the favor of not completing them either


I found the superhero I was looking for

I found the grown-up in the room


I found the person I was hoping would raise me to be everything I thought I needed to be

I may have lost you

But I finally found me


Stacey Robbins
Author of An Unconventional Life: Where Messes and Magic Collide

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