Conversations That Changed My Life – “You Are Love”
My journey with God and spirituality has not been a boring one. The collision of my traumatic experiences as a youth, with my Italian guilt-based relationships, with my fear-based religious beliefs pretty much meant that I was living like I was chased by a bear. Only in this case, the bear was named, “God.”
God was so scary that I had to hide behind Jesus. Which I did. Which confused pretty much everything. I’d sing, “God is so good. God is so good. God is so good, he’s so good to me”…but then, I’d think: “Unless you don’t believe in Jesus, ‘cause then, you’re in trouble, and you’re going to hell, like really, really fast.”
Yeah. Those thoughts made me afraid of life, of death, and of God.
The story is longer and painfully, and powerfully exquisite but the punchline is this: I went on a two-year journey of stillness. Of being quiet — which wasn’t so quiet because the quieter it was outside of me, the noisier it was inside of me. Well, actually, it was always noisy but you don’t hear that when you’re running the vacuum all the time in your life. And I lived my life like I was being chased by a bear — while I was vacuuming.
I never realized how busy I was making things (work, dramatic relationships, health challenges) so that I could have “noise” that was greater than that which was in my head.
I didn’t know that until I got still.
I faced a lot of shit in those two years. A lot of false beliefs. A lot of breakdowns in my faith.
It was just
Until it got quiet on the inside too. I didn’t have answers but I had peace. It took a long time and a lot of wild conversations between God and me. I said to God, “I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re not that scary-ass, bear-god who I always thought was chasing me.” I’d sigh with content in the mystery and relief…grateful to know so much less than I had before but to have so much more.
When one night, I heard these Words with No Voice (the name I call ‘God’) send these words, “I am Love.”
Tears streamed down my face.
“Of course you are.” I said to the ceiling where God lives.
I was filled with so much joy.
“And you are Love.”
I closed my eyes and full-on bawled.
Of course I am. How could God be Love,
And Love make me
And I not be Love, too?
It made sense and my life locked into a new place of peace and stillness that I’ve never been able to shake.
Because what no man gives you, no man can take away.
I had an encounter — a conversation with God — and it forever changed how I saw life and me, and people — the “good” people, the rich people, the homeless people, the people who pretend they’re homeless and really make more money than you and me put together.
It made me see everybody as God, but that not everyone had their God-flashlight on. When we are allowed to get close enough with our God-light, we help others to see that they can turn theirs on too. They had it the whole time, they just couldn’t see it.
We help each other see.
These conversations — they are just the smallest sampling of so many shifts I’ve had because of words and hearts exchanged.
I believe in the power of conversations.
It’s my privilege to be a woman who walks with others on their journey — to chat about what matters most so that you can see your light for what it is and shine it on the life you want to have.